Exercise Bulimia or when shit gets real

Okay, it’s time to get a little bit personal. I want to share my very own experience with exercise bulimia. Only very few people know what I’ve been through, because I was always ashamed of it and didn’t want to talk about it. Today, I realise how important it is to share this experience, as there are many people going through it alone not knowing what consequences this may have and that you need to seek for help.

Nowadays, everyone knows about eating disorders such anorexia, bulimia, binge eating. However, not many people are familiar with exercise bulimia, which is also a very dangerous and sneaky disorder. What is exercise bulimia? It is described as an extreme, pathologic exercise behaviour. A person with exercise bulimia over-exercise to burn as much calories and fat as possible. Exercising is known as a healthy habit, so it makes super difficult to spot over-exercising. Worrying too much about exercise and weight loss is one of the main signs. Other symptoms of exercise bulimia include:

- Exercise even when sick or injured

- Prioritizing exercise over social events, friends, work

- Intense fear of states of rest

- Intense anxiety at situations where preferred method of exercise is not available

- Intense guilt when forced to stray from exercise routine

- Refusal to eat if unable to exercise

It is hard to say when my exercise bulimia had started, but I know I was obsessed with exercising in a very unhealthy way. To begin with, I was working full-time at the very busy coffee shop in the town centre, 8 straight hours on my feet, running around, serving and pleasing customers. Shifts used to be very random - sometimes 7am to 3am, sometimes 3pm to 11pm or 1pm to 9pm, so I never had a normal routine. Due to very hectic schedule I rarely had proper food, sometimes just few sandwiches a day.

I used to love going to the gym late at night, around 12am or 1am, when it’s basically empty. I was training 5-6 days a week - mainly weight lifting, a little bit of cardio. I felt like the gym was the only way to relieve stress, anger, sadness that was building in me over time due to personal life issues.

It didn’t matter to me if I just finished work at 12 at night, I would still go to the gym for at least an hour, without even eating before or after it. The not eating thing wasn’t on purpose most of the times - I often just didn’t have time or my mind was occupied with other things that led me to forgetting about food. Breakfast was non-existing thing to me - “saving time” I thought to myself and just ran to work. Then, at work, I used to eat a sandwich or 2 if I’m lucky and had time. After work - maybe another sandwich or microwavable mac n’ cheese. I just didn’t feel I had any desire or energy to cook. I was constantly exhausted, my life consisted mainly of gym and work.

I was actually obsessed about the numbers, my weight, my body measurements, how many miles I have to run in 40mins, how many reps/sets do I have to do every day to increase weights. I was in a such a hurry. I was always rushing my results, so I was pushing myself even harder when after a week or 2 I wasn’t satisfied with my results.

I started to become more grumpy and constantly fatigued, I was having trouble to get out of the bed in the morning and used to spent most of my days off in bed till late at night when I went to the gym.

Shit got real, when I started to faint or feel faint - I figured that’s just nothing, at first, not important. It was. It was my body communicating to me, sending signals that something is out of order and I have to change it immediately. I didn’t listen. So I fainted again and hit my head on the bed side table. I was probably passed out for only few seconds and when I woke up I saw a big bleeding scratch on my forehead. That was a bit of a kick in the ass I needed, so I went and check my blood. I was diagnosed with anaemia - a deficit of haemoglobin in my blood. This I when I realised I need to sort my diet and make my food priority. So I went and got lots of veggies from the market, fish, rice, etc. It was a small step to a healthy lifestyle. Thanks to my very good friend, who knew about this, he used to text me asking if I ate and what I ate. It was really annoying at the time, but now I feel grateful that someone was looking after me, because I wasn’t.

However, my exercise bulimia didn’t end there. I went through a break up. Obviously messed my head a lot, lots of crying, sad rock ballads and “insert other stuff you do after break ups”. THE GYM - it was my ultimate saviour in this situation… or what I thought it was. I started working out even more intensively and more angry. I was kinda trying to prove myself that “I’m strong independent woman and I need NO man”, so I was lifting weights, lifting heavy weights! High reps wasn’t enough for me so I started to increase weights, which was waaayyy too early. Once,I was doing overhead press with way too heavy barbell and I felt a sudden sharp pain in my wrist. I dropped the weight on the ground with a big bang. I was in so much pain - I sprained my wrist. Now I realise that I was using exercise to cover up my negative emotions, which led to another health issue. I barely could move my wrist , but I still went to work, even when my doctor specifically said rest for at least few days. I just couldn’t stay at rest even injured. Luckily my wrist healed well and soon enough I was able to lift again, this time with sense.

Looking back, I know how messed up my view to exercising was, I was struggling to find the balance and to detach myself from numbers . Lucky enough, I managed to come to my senses and see that what I was doing was not healthy and had to change. So baby steps at the time, I started fixing myself and I found my balance.

My relationship with exercise is so much healthier, it became my ultimate passion and hobby, which keeps me strong, healthy and happy. I also found my happiness in cooking, I love experimenting and cooking good quality food, discovering new natural sources or protein and iron that are very important to me.

I feel like I am on my right path - I know that you cannot rush your progress, as long as you keep working on it, you will get there.

In the end, all of these disorders comes from a very crooked view to ourselves, not being able to love ourselves, seeing our bodies as enemies and letting ourselves to become victims of society labels.

We are so used to comparing ourselves with others, when in fact you should compare your past self with your present self, be your on motivation.

Everyday, I keep reminding myself that numbers can’t always define your health, that numbers can’t define your self worth, that numbers can’t put label on you. I know this isn’t my final stop, where I am now, and there’s still long way to go towards my goals, but I’m pretty damn happy and I am on the way!

So remember, bodies are fluid and change all the time. Detach yourself from labels, detach yourself from numbers and don’t let anyone bullshit define you.